Priest and Vodka

A new priest at his  first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.After mass he asked  the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied,  "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka  next to the water glass.If I start to get  nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took  the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took  a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his  office after mass, he found the following note on the door

1. Sip the Vodka,  don't gulp..

2. There are 10  commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12  disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was  consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his  donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to  Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son,  and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
     and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath,  he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit  by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't
    say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to  the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke  the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat    it for it is my body."  He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is  not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended  grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the  grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there  will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter    
      pulling contest at  St. Taffy's.